Foolish pride?

I will be perfectly honest with myself, I have not done what I should have been doing for some time now. I am not very happy with myself and I have to do what God has called me to do. Time is not slowing down and it's time to take charge of the things that need to happen. Just as I said about 8 weeks ago, procrastination had really gotten the best of me and well it happened. But now is the time to step up and conquer it. I can't keep letting these feelings and excuses take over my life. I have became my own worst enemy. And I do not like it.

At this point, this blog is the most difficult one I am facing. Finding the right words to place on here has me at my wits end. Perfectionism, expectations, and not having the material things I 'want' to write, has my head hanging in my own prison. I could go on and on about the reasons why I am not writing but there's only 1 reason why I should be. Just maybe if I had more windows in my house, just maybe if I had that antique desk & chair I've been searching for, just maybe if I had my own little office, I'd be more productive and feel like I am getting somewhere. But I have to set my own selfish desires to the side. I can't do anything about that right now. I have to focus on God. I have to focus on my talents and 'actually' put it to use. Good use.

From reading articles like 'how to become inspired' to the '5 steps to becoming a better writer', etc, yeah I know I fit all the descriptions of a writer among other writers. We procrastinate. We're crazy. Most of us own a cat. We fuel on coffee. We have a love for vintage. And we look at things and recite something in our head how we could write about it. We have our own creative style. And I celebrate my differences, but the procrastination doesn't deserve the praise. Now what?!

I have more than enough shared my struggles. It's deep actually. We all have things we are not proud of. It was my time to open up. My time to share. My time to accept it. Now it is time to move on. 

Jesus, hold my hand and lead me.

A New Chapter

After a couple of weeks, I have accomplished some things on my to do list, but it always seems to grow longer after 2 or more things are marked off. I won't complain, although I am extremely grateful that my husband has finally nipped the sickness in the bud. After about 8-9 days, I am glad my house is germ free! And it is pretty clean to say the least.

Since 2015 has arrived I feel like this is the year for many things that I have been praying for to come to pass. The year for blessings, breakthroughs and victories! God has truly been speaking to me this last week and because of Him, I have things that need to be done. Honestly, the subject God had given me to study about was something I had to research and sure enough I felt like I was finally getting somewhere. Personally, taking steps is such an accomplishment. But since the new year has started, as bad as I hate to admit it, procrastination had really gotten the best of me. I have not touched my notebook and I have felt horrible, as if I have failed, although deep down I know I haven't. I know God is just waiting on me to make the next move so HE can use me. And it is time for that.

So this week, my notebook will take on a new story, that new interesting chapter to add. After 10 days into this year, my thought patterns will take on a new path, after all. It hasn't been easy for me considering it being my first book that I have been writing on. I am excited and anxious where this is going to take me, but I have to keep reminding myself of HIS word and HIS promise. God has shown me where to take my writing. And earlier today after researching and looking up scripture in the Bible for my next chapter, there is no doubt that the story I will share will touch someone's heart and inspire them. When someone reads the experiences (although I CANNOT share on here) I share in my first book, they will know they're not alone throughout the struggles and trials they may endure in a season of their life. Because God is there - always.

Scattered Yet Focused

Sitting here at the dining table drinking a cup of afternoon coffee with a 15 lb fuzzy tomcat in my lap, I'm drawn into the world of imagination and where my dreams will come true. I couldn't be more content with where I am, although there's a lot of room for improvement needed. After being through a lot of emotion in the last couple weeks since my last blog, it's time to dig deep. Into my thoughts and feelings. 

The holiday rush is over, families are back to normal schedule and I still yet need to put away the tree and decorations. Sunday evening after returning home I was frantically putting away the kitchen Christmas decor and soon enough became an emotional train wreck. Going from being the happy go lucky me to depressed, scared to wondering if  I will ever see anyone again, I was feeling guilty for even the thoughts in my mind. I have never done this, ever, not like this however. My husband was also watching me as I tried to hide my face, which never works.

After a brief but detailed conversation, I realize things in life may change over time but the ones in it may not. Christmas is a time of being with family and the ones you love, it is not about the presents, the label on your back or the size of your bank account. Developing friendships, putting a smile on someone's face, a hug, or a nice gesture is worth a lot more and goes a lot further. And enjoy every moment you can with those you love. If you want to spend time with someone, just ask, they may be waiting on you to make the first move. You truly never know when you will see them again. Although, I'm excited for a new year and new things to come, I'm going to do more than I say and make the most of it.

Fulfilling My Destiny

It has been 2 months since my last entry. And I have finally come to realize that I am destined to put this blog to good use. It may not be how I expected it to be, but it's rather fun on my part. I can spill the beatings of my heart and pour out all of my feelings on a qwerty keypad laptop. I still have a desire to write on paper the old fashioned way, but in today's society why not share it to the whole world? HA! :) 

Within 24 hours I have redesigned, rearranged and edited my page til the energy has simply been drained out of my system. No joke. I wanted it to look presentable and classy. I like it. However, in the middle of all the reconstruction of this blog, a poem came to mind. I wrote it years ago. Not bad for a 13 year old. And I figured this blog could use a little bit of color too.

Enjoy the imagination I had from over 20 years ago. (I am pretty positive I had my paper in the typewriter a little sideways, ha ha!)

Let go and let God

It is nearing the afternoon, house is quiet, husband is napping, politics bickering in the background on the t.v. and my feline is searching for something to get into. I'm preparing myself for some intense writing. I have a testimony that I shared in late 2012 at church and it's time to take a new approach at writing some things for my book. I struggle with it but I cannot let it get the best of me. Reflecting on what God has told me, is the main point that keeps me going. I have to constantly remind myself. Although I struggle getting started, sometimes it does not take long and my thought processes kicks in gear. 

And clearly I have decided to take on this new approach with blogging. I really enjoy doing it and plan to share a lot more with you. While writing my story and sharing my faith, inspiration, experiences and life lessons, I believe it will give me room for improvement and become beneficial for my writings. With all this said, I plan to share my testimony with you as well. Stay tuned. But right now it is time to take a nosedive and continue to let God write my story.

A new journey awaits...

A lot of things have changed in the last few months. Summer was fun this year. I enjoyed the time spent with my family and friends from church. There is nothing like the hot days of summer on the lake, drinking sweet tea on the front porch, having grill outs with family, lounging in the sun chair and gazing at the moon and stars at night. Those are the moments that I take in. Thinking about summertime (my favorite time of year), always takes me back to my childhood. I remember the early morning smell of the summer air and fresh cut grass, accumulating dirt stains on my clothes throughout the day, getting splinters in my hand from climbing up trees, playing in the creek, finding turtles, frogs, picking up those bright orange lizards, cuddling with the kittens, riding my bicycle all over the community and swinging in the tire swing. Hours later, my tummy would growl and then it was time for supper. I was your typical picky child. Hold the greens and pass me the chicken. 

As the years go by, summertime is more of a reflection period. It never leaves. Reminiscing of the good ole days, I am thinking to myself 'what was it that I have always wanted to do with myself and who did I want to become?' Even at an early age, I knew I wanted to inspire others in some sort of way. Time goes by, trying to search for my calling and purpose, I received such a humbling prophecy in church toward the end of summer. God used my pastor then informed me to pick up a pen and start writing because there are 3 books that will need written. I was overwhelmed yet relieved. After many months to years, a prayer has been answered. 

Earlier in the year while writing papers for Religion 101 in college, writing was more than just a work in itself but it was my God-given talent that I failed to grasp. Subconsciously, I even told my husband that I would like to write a book one day. Writing this 'book' just wasn't in my full awareness. If it had not been for the Lord, I would still be in the dark about my future. Today I am very thankful for the message I received from God and very excited to begin this journey and share it. And whatever form or fashion, I pray that it touches you and inspires you.

With all of this being said, I have become a little more aware of my surroundings, senses, desires, hopes, dreams and who I am in Christ. I have learned a lot of things within the last 6 weeks and still have more to go. The journey will be worth it. I'm ready, good or bad. This is just the beginning of what is to come.